Wednesday 31 August 2011

Sabotage is a wicked thing!

Well Mr Commuting Bookworm is unable to get with his program at the moment, this means that when I want to be pro active and get into the Gym, he talks me out of it. Now I know it is wrong for me to blame him totally. If I was so dedicated, this would not be possable would it? Ive figured out that I have to some how motivate him to start his program, and this in turn will help me to stay on track.

So, I did not make the Gym last night. This is because, dispite us agreeing no Films, he was watching Ally McBeal and cooking dinner late. We agreed this weekend that Mr CommutingBookWorm (CBW) would cook dinner as he gets in before me) ready for 1900 hrs, thus, my compremise is that I will go to the gym at 2000hrs, at least then we get to eat together. Well this morning, he tells me that he will have scrambled eggs, beans and toast ready! AGH.................. I don't think so, what about the chickenand veg that we were meant to be having. and then when I explained, no thanks I will just have a protien shake, of course this is all down to my PMT isn't it!

Anyway, tonight should not be such a problem becuase I have a Personal Trainer appointment and therefore this is not nogotiable. However, I will stop feeling guilty about whats gone in the past becuase I can not change this, but will remain focused for tonight. I will think no further than my training session tonight.

Perhaps this is as much apart of the program, its the mental state. Mine, predomintly. I am watching everythink I eat, and thinking I must go to the gym ect, but it is not working. I know it is only becuae I have my personal trainer, that I have not given up all hope in the gym. But I have not and will not be such a defeatist. I am so fed up with being unable to look in the mirror without shame. You know when I am putting my make up on, I only look at that part, so if I am putting on eye liner on I only look at my eyes. If its lipstick, then I only focus on my lips. I can not face looking at me in the mirror. i am just so disgusted with mybody shape. I can not beleive that one small fram can carry so much fat. I can not believe that I have inpacted so much self harm onto this body. It is also an insult to God, that he made this perfect little baby, he gave me the gift of life and this is what I have done to repay him. 

Today is the 31st Aug, that means that tomorow is the 1st. No 1 is always a good place to start. Therefore I am starting tomorow. There is 30 days in September, and I set myself the targe of training for at least 25 of these.

Watch this space...............................................................................................................................

Wednesday 24 August 2011

104LBS to go!

This ladies and gentlemen is how much I have to loose in weight. Thats 8 stone! Half of me now, to go. 104lbs does not in my mind sound as huge as 8 stone, and given that it is a higher number, I can't work out the rational. However, given I am such a large lady, its hard to imagine my whole personality fitting into such a small body!

I went to the gym last night and it felt good. I went a bit later and therefore, avoided the big boys and therefore did not feel so intimadated. I was trying to work through my Shoulders and arms excercises as given to me by my personal trainer, (who until I am a success will remain nameless becuase if I fail it won't be his fault.) Anyway I degress, I got to some of the excercises and I had forgotten how to do them. I have come to the conclusion if I ever get to the Bodybuilder stage, my brain will be as huge as a planet to remember this lot of information.

I did want to go to the gym tonight but my husband wants to have dinner together tonight. In the interest of happy relations I will give in tonight, however, I need to gently become more selfish and get him to realise that gym first. I think it will be easier once he has started his training plan.  He is cooking me a new vegan meal tonight, that although I would normally avoid like the latest flu epademic, however, it did smell quite good last night when he made it for himself so I will give it a go and it is full of protien.

I will let you know the outcome.

Tuesday 23 August 2011

The Biggining

Have you ever got to the state where you can not even look at yourself in the mirror? Well thats where I am. I am 8 stone over weight, whenever I go to Weight watchers or slimming world all I do is put on! I love bodybuilding but never seem to make the time to go to the gym. As a working woman there always seems to be another priority.

Well today is the start of my journey. follow me here, I start tonight!